The Legend of Santa Chaos "Daddy, tell me a story?" "Of course, dear. Ahem. ''Twas the night before Christmas, and all -'" "Not that one. You *always* tell that one. I wanna hear a new story." "A new story?" "Something different." "Okay . . . Ahem. A long time ago, in a galaxy -" "Dad -" "- a galaxy far - " "Dad!" "- far away . . . What? I was telling you a story." "That's not a new story! I want to hear a new one." "I was getting to it. Now where was I?" "Not even the beginning." "Smartasskid. Okay. Ahem. Not so long ago, and very close to here - " "Daddy, what are those wavy lines?" "The flashback queue. Now hush." ~~~~~ Not so long ago, and very close to here, there once lived a young man named Chaos. A young Lordship, he was forever pursuing his goals. "What do you think you're doing? Get away from my Lake God!" "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! TASUKETEEEEEEEEE!!!!" He landed in a heap against a cement barrier. "The Lake God shall be mine someday. Mark my words!" A terrified octopus flew as if hurled with great strength. His Lordship Chaos quickly got up and dodged the airborne invertebrate. He turned to face the direction from whence the octopus came and stuck out his tongue. "Mis-" SPLAT! A second terrified octopus hit his Lordship with great force, sending him once again sprawling against the cement barrier. Sitting up, he said, "Sushi, anyone?" before passing out. In another part of the land, it was Christmas Day. Around the world, millions of people were tearing open packages wrapped with brightly coloured paper. Most were pleased with what they saw. Not everyone was, though. A young woman who we'll call Caitlyn - [Why are we calling her Caitlyn, Dad?] [Because the author doesn't know anyone named Caitlyn. Now hush and let me tell the story.] Anyway, a young woman who we'll call Caitlyn - [Why Caitlyn? Why not Melissa or Veronica or Calliope?] [It doesn't matter.] [It does to me!] [Want to hear the story or not?] [Not.] [Tough. Now shut up and listen.] Where was I? Oh, yes. The young woman named Caitlyn. She was not happy. It wasn't that her family and friends hadn't given her anything, and her family was happy with what she bought for them, but while she kept a smile plastered on her face, she sighed inwardly and thought about getting plastered later. [Sailor Spell-Check isn't going to like that sentence, Dad.] [She'll understand.] [You hope.] Caitlyn was feeling down because she didn't get what she truly wanted. Sure, the socks and gloves, and plain underwear were nice and all, but what she wanted, truly wanted, were fuzzy handcuffs. Not plain fuzzy handcuffs, either, oh, no. She wanted fuzzy handcuffs in a designer colour, like Oak Evolution Green or, especially, Star Gentle Uterus Chartreuse. Caitlyn loved chartreuse. She had hinted for weeks to her friends, family, and boyfriend, but none got the hint. (Well, her cousin did, but he stopped talking to her afterwards.) Caitlyn sighed inwardly again. There had to be someone out there who knew how she felt. Someone like a sick, twisted, perverted Santa Claus, who could understand her deepest, darkest desires. Caitlyn wasn't alone. A young man, not Chaos, but another who we'll call Fred - [Who is Fred?] [I was getting to that.] [No, who is Fred?] [No one you know.] [Are you sure?] [Yes. Hush.] A young man named Fred was also disappointed. He desperately wanted a Venus Love-Me Chain. He was a big fan of Aino Minako, but kept his fantasies to himself so no one knew of his desire. A woman named Monica was also disappointed. Sure, she was given an endorsement contract, but what she really wanted was a box of really good cigars. Caitlyn took a walk outside, bundling up against the unusually warm chill. It wasn't like Christmases of old, where she bundled up against the biting Arctic air. In fact, she felt a little warm. "Stupid global warming, messing up a decent disappointed walk," she muttered. As warm turned to broiling, she took off her parka, toque, three layers of mittens, woolen vest, and leg warmers. Still dressed in a bright festive red sweater with matching skirt, she dumped her winter clothes in a heap. "Much better," she said. Feeling the bitter cool bite through her sweater, Caitlyn continued her disappointed walk. An unusual sound got her attention. "What is that unusual sound?" she asked redundantly. "Skuld-chan, I swear I wasn't even looking at her. How would I know where I was touching her if I didn't feel? Not the mallet! Not the mallet! JO'O-SAMAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Caitlyn stopped as His Lordship Chaos fell, then tumbled in front of her. She looked down, and saw Chaos's legs and feet in front of her. Reaching above her head, she pulled a mallet out of Hammerspace. "Eek! Pervert!" she cried as she swung the mallet down. "Hey!" his Lordship said. "I'm only allowed to be hit by real fictional characters, not fictional fictional characters." Confused, Caitlyn stopped her swing. She tried to work out Chaos's logic. Putting the delay to good use, Chaos climbed out from under Caitlyn, eager to avoid a second malleting in as many minutes. "Who are you?" Caitlyn asked, still confused by the concept of a fictional fictional character. Chaos quickly stood up. Brushing himself off, he said, "I am His Lordship Chaos." "What are you doing here?" "Got me. Normally, I'm in charge of my own rants." Caitlyn sighed. First, no fuzzy handcuffs, especially in Star Gentle Uterus Chartreuse, and now stuck in a meaningless story. Some Christmas. Caitlyn sighed again. "It looks to me that something is bothering you," Chaos said. "It's nothing," Caitlyn sighed. "If you say so." Chaos turned to leave, but was held in spot by a firm hand on his shoulder. "You're not part Vulcan, are you?" he asked. "Huh?" Caitlyn replied intelligently. "It's Christmas. I mean, I like my family and friends and all, but none of them ever get me what I truly want." "Hold that thought. I have a red and white outfit perfect for this." Turning super-deformed, Chaos dashed away, coming back in his red and white outfit and a large chair. "Now sit on Santa Chaos's lap and tell me your problem." Caitlyn started to do as bidden, then noticed the outfit. "Ano . . . ." she said, pointing at the Sailor Senshi outfit Chaos wore. Rei Hino walked out, dressed in an amply padded Santa suit, and angry look on her face. "Chaos!" she said, her voice raising an octave by the end. "What is the meaning of this?" A sweatdrop grew on Chaos's head. "Heh heh. Would you believe I had a NASA engineer put away the laundry?" What Rei did next to Chaos is too violent for a bedtime story. In short, Rei got her Senshi uniform back, and Chaos eventually was allowed to put on the Santa suit. Caitlyn witnessed the entire event, and would be emotionally scarred for the next decade, until her psychiatrist was able to get the entire story from her. He immediately retired to grow genetically modified dandelions, and drank dandelion wine until he died of alcohol poisoning. However, this has nothing to do with the story. Now in his Santa suit, his lordship Chaos sat in his chair, watching little birdies chirping, "Piyo! Piyo!" around his head. "Why can't I ever get nekkid angels?" he wondered aloud. Shaking off the abuse he had just received, he patted his leg. "Come, young lady, and tell me all about your problem." Caitlyn knew better than to sit on some stranger's lap, but the emotional scarring was taking place, and the part of her mind that kept her from injuring herself ran under its bed with its tail between its legs. She sat on Chaos's lap. "My friends and family never picked up any of my hints," she said. "Not even my boyfriend. Well, there was my cousin, but he left to go to become a missionary in Los Angeles. Not even Santa Claus left what I really wanted. I wasn't exactly a good girl, but I wasn't truly bad. You know what people like that get? Socks in their stockings. If I was truly naughty, I'd get coal." "There's something wrong with coal?" Chaos asked. "I've collected all the coal I've received and sold it to a hydro plant in Pennsylvania. "There's nothing wrong with coal, as such. At least it means I did something. With socks, it's hard to tell." "There, there," Chaos soothed, patting Caitlyn. "Ano, when you pat someone soothingly, don't you normally pat their shoulders?" Caitlyn asked. "You pat where you want. I'll pat where I want." "Ri-ight." "So, what did you really want?" "Fuzzy handcuffs. I thought my boyfriend would have found some for me. It's not like we couldn't have shared. Ouch!" Caitlyn slapped Chaos sharply, snapping him back to pain-filled reality. He removed his hand from her bottom. "Heh heh," he said, one hand behind his head. He quickly stood up, dumping poor Caitlyn to the ground. "No fuzzy handcuffs? No matching bra?" "Plain underwear only." "That's just wrong." Chaos posed, his arms on his hips. "There's only one thing to do!" "Give all the naughty boys and girls what they truly want?" "I was thinking of telling your boyfriend that you broke up with him to become my love slave, actually, but that wouldn't get the story finished." Caitlyn sweatdropped. "I think my idea is better." "We'll see," Chaos leered. For the next month, Chaos thought about Caitlyn's idea. It was just crazy enough to work. He sat down and started compiling a list of who was naughty and who was nice. After two weeks, he stopped. "I never should have started with Washington," he said, flexing out his writing hand. "There has to be an easier way." He thought and he thought. A light bulb went on over his head. "Chaos, why were you thinking in the dark?" Caitlyn asked. "Wouldn't it be easier now that the light's on?" Chaos sweatdropped. "I think I have it!" "Well, don't give it to me." Chaos facefaulted. "Not that. I know how to come up with the list of naughty boys and girls. Why do the same thing Saint Nick is doing?" Chaos made the trek to the North Pole. "North, the final frontier. These are the voyages of His Lordship Chaos. His mission - " "Ano, Chaos?" Caitlyn said. "I think you should stop there. There's a bunch of lawyers outside." "Lawyers? At thirty thousand feet?" "Look." Outside the window, Paramount lawyers in Defiant replicas surrounded Chaos's plane. Phaser ports glowed with the energy buildup seen before energy weapons are fired. "Heh heh. Just kidding!" The plane landed safely at the North Pole. Chaos descended from the plane and walked out on the ice. The landscape was barren, desolate. Nothing to be found beyond Caitlyn and the plane. "Hello!" Chaos called. "Anyone here? Avon calling! You may already be a winner!" Slowly, the landscape changed. Doors opened in the ice and hundreds of little men - elves - walked out. "Avon?" "Ed?" "Who's there?" "'Tis I, His Lordship Chaos! I have a business proposition for Santa Claus." "He don't want to hear it," one of the elves said. "You haven't even heard what I was proposing." "I don't need to. Now git, afore I hurt ya." Chaos stared down at the elf, who stood at most one foot tall. "You? Hurt me? OHOhohohoho!" In another scene far too violent for a bedtime story, the elf brutally attacked Chaos. Caitlyn, already emotionally scarred by the earlier violence, was left in a state where she thought wrasslin' was real. When the dust (ice, whatever) settled, Chaos was left tied as a pretzel. "This is more painful than it looks," Chaos said, as he waddled back into the plane. Caitlyn took the controls, and lifted the plane off and turned to starboard before the elves could do something equally nasty to it, too. As Chaos straightened out and flew right, he pondered his dilemma. "I must get that list," he thought out loud. Caitlyn ignored him as she listened to the voices in her head, urging her to buy WWF and WCW merchandise. "I have it!" "Well, don't give it to me." "We've done this gag already." "We have?" "Just nod and smile, dear." Caitlyn nodded and smiled. "Much better. Now, hie thee to a costume shop. We need ninja outfits." Three days later - after all, there aren't many decent costume shops at the North Pole, and the ones there only have costumes in elf sizes - Caitlyn returned with her packages. Chaos quickly ripped open one. "Ano, Caitlyn, I know you've been under a great deal of stress lately, but why did you chose a pink - " "Chartreuse." "- a chartreuse and a neon lime green ninja outfit?" "'Cause Stone Cold said so." Chaos sweatdropped in super-deformed mode. "There, there," he said, patting Caitlyn on the top of her head. "I'll wear the brightly coloured ninja outfit. I'm sure no one will notice us." Shortly afterwards, the plane once again landed at the North Pole. Chaos, in lime green, and Caitlyn, in chartreuse, snuck over the ice, looking for a way in. "Ano, Chaos?" Caitlyn said, pointing. "Would that be a secret entrance over there?" Chaos looked. In the direction Caitlyn pointed, he saw a large neon sign, the same colour as his ninja outfit, flashing words reading "Secret Entrance". In smaller words, in a steady red glow, read, "Authorized Personnel Only". "Worth a try," Chaos said. Creeping along the ice, the twosome reached the not-so-secret secret entrance. Under the glowing neon sign, a small hatch waited, closed. Chaos and Caitlyn exchanged glances. "Ladies first," Chaos said gallantly. "Me?" "I'm tired of being abused in this story. I get enough of that in my own rants." Caitlyn shrugged. She bent down and pulled the hatch open. Sounds of elves working, hammering, singing, playing, and, well, other words ending in -ing wafted up from below the ice. Slowly, Caitlyn crept down the ladder. Chaos followed at a discreet distance, waiting for the confused woman to trip any trap that may be waiting. The workshop was a beehive of activity. Elves, dressed in clothes that made our heroes' outfits look drab, cavorted around the huge room while a jolly fat man overlooked the scene. At the central table, elves of all shapes (but just one size - extra petite) assembled toys of all shapes of sizes, unconcerned about trademark violations. "Kawaii!" Chaos said. "A life-sized doll of Michiru." Caitlyn sweatdropped. "Ano, Chaos . . . ." "What? It's for a friend. Well, not exactly a friend, per se, but I'm sure she'll be able to put the doll to very good use." "Aren't you forgetting something?" "Well, it would be difficult for her to explain the doll if Michiru ever caught her with it." "The list?" Caitlyn prompted. "List? Ah, yes, the List. The List of who has been naughty. Find it yet?" "We just got here and you were ogling that doll." "Well, what are you doing, just standing around. Go find the List!" "Me?" "My idea was to tell your boyfriend that you broke up with him to be with me. Remember?" Caitlyn sighed. "Just don't get into trouble." "Would I get into trouble?" "Yes. You're coming with me." The twosome snuck around the workshop, searching high and low, in desks and under elves, for the List, which somehow became capitalized. The search took days, and Caitlyn foraged for food. She discovered that the kitchen was the best place to forage for food, though, in a pinch, the elves' beds were good for finding sugar rushes. "Chaos, I don't think searching the girl-elves' drawers for the millionth will help find the List," Caitlyn said. "Wouldn't hurt. You never know with these elves." "Maybe we should try the locked office?" "Who puts important lists in a locked office?" "Someone who wants to keep the List?" "Good point. To the office!" Caitlyn started to walk off. Chaos cleared his throat noisily. "Something wrong?" "Yes. To the office!" Chaos waited patiently, looking at Caitlyn. "Huh? Oh. Right. To the office." "Much better." Stealthily they crept past the unsuspecting elves. They reached the locked office. Chaos tried the door. "Yep, locked. So much for that idea." "Try unlocking the door." "Unlocking the door?" "Yes." Caitlyn grew exasperated. She also grew asparagus, but that was neither here nor there. "Novel idea." Chaos bent down to examine the lock, moving so that the light fell in different ways. Standing up, he punched a hole in the door's window. Reaching through the hole, he unlocked the door from the inside. "You're right. That worked so much better." Caitlyn opened the door. The twosome started rifling through the papers and filing cabinets before they found two large books. The first book, labelled "Nice" was the size of a desk. The other book, labelled "Naughty" was three times the size of the first book, and had pages printed in a microscopic font. "Wow!" Chaos said, amazed. "That the 'Naughty' List is so big?" "No, that the 'Nice' book is so big." "Let's get this book out of here." Chaos and Caitlyn picked up the 'Naughty' book. Grunting with the effort, they hauled the book back to the secret entrance. "This book is never going to fit through there," Caitlyn said. "That does explain the lax security and those elves laughing at us back there." "How are we going to get the book out of here, then?" "I have an idea. Remember where you got your mallet, and where it went after you were done with it?" "Mallet?" "Just do what comes naturally." "Do what naturally?" "Whatever it is you do when I tell someone else about your Hello Kitty panties." "Pervert!" Caitlyn picked up the Naughty List and bopped Chaos over the head with it. Chaos slumped down against the ladder. "Yeah, like that," he said. "Darn, still no nekkid angels." "Oh, Chaos, are you hurt?" "I've been hit harder on my head before. Besides, look where the book is." Caitlyn looked around. "Where's the book?" "In Hammerspace. It'll be safe enough there. We have to go now." Climbing up the ladder, Chaos and Caitlyn reached their plane and flew home. At His Lordship's home, he quickly brought her to the den. "I have done it!" he cried triumphantly. "Well, don't give it to me." "That just didn't even follow, Caitlyn. But I am too overjoyed to be brought down by a running gag. I have the list of all the girls and boys who have been naughty." "Now what?" "What do you mean?" "I mean, 'Now what?' What are we going to do with it?" "It was your idea. I thought you knew." "Do I have to think of everything?" "Well, you came up with me delivering toys to naughty girls and naughty boys. I don't have that many toys to give away." Caitlyn turned on a classic rock station so she could sweatdrop to the oldies. "You make the toys." "Make them? I don't have a staff, and I can't pay for the materials. Fuzzy handcuffs don't grow on trees, you know. Though the Oak Evolution Green goes great in a natural setting." "I can't be expected to think of everything. I started the story off disappointed. There's only so far I can go with my character." "Alright, alright. I've got it. After Santa Claus goes around the world, leaving coal for the naughty children, I'll follow after him, get the coal and leave behind what they really wanted. I can then sell the coal and become rich beyond imagination." "And pay for the next year's fuzzy handcuffs!" "That, too." Over the next few months, Chaos's operation blossomed. He poured over the Naughty List, matching gifts to those who deserved it. He conned many people into making the naughty toys for far under minimum wage and in hazardous conditions. Piles of fuzzy handcuffs, Venus Love-Me Chains, and other fun toys grew huge. Chaos immersed himself in the quality control. [Where's Caitlyn?] [Eh?] [Where's Caitlyn. You know, the girl at the beginning? The one whose idea this was in the first place?] [She's locked away where she can't hurt herself. She realized what she unleashed and decided that she couldn't bear the responsibility.] Back to the story. Christmas rolled around. Chaos looked at the huge pile of gifts for naughty boys and naughty girls when a thought struck him. "How am I going to deliver all this?" Caitlyn, who was out on release after being filled with a pharmacy's inventory and a week-long session of electro-shock therapy, stopped to think. "Perhaps," she started, "perhaps you could use a sleigh?" "Of course!" Chaos snapped his fingers. A pink sleigh appeared beside him, with harnesses. He leapt into the driver's seat. "On Usagi! On Rei! On Ami and Minako! On Makoto! On Setsuna! On Haruka and Michiru!" Caitlyn looked at the empty harnesses. "Ano, Chaos . . . ." "Did I fantasize out loud?" His Lordship asked. "Chaos-kun, what about me?" Hotaru asked. Chaos opened his mouth to speak, then noticed the looming figures of the Outer Senshi around him. "Heh heh . . . I can explain . . . ." Another violent scene erupted. Fortunately for Caitlyn, she was medicated to the gills and wouldn't have noticed the end of the world. A much-battered Chaos crawled back into the sleigh. He reached into his pocket and pulled out - [Dad! I'm only four.] - eight tiny lemmings. "Lemmings?" Caitlyn asked. [Lemmings?] Lemmings. Magical lemmings. Actually, they were outcast lemmings. When they fell off cliffs, they kept missing the ground. The rest of their herd cast them out, worried that they may be possessed, or at least a bad influence on the younger lemmings. But that is not important, except to the lemmings. Chaos and Caitlyn hitched the lemmings to the sleigh, then filled the sleigh with the naughty toys. After a good-bye grope, Chaos leapt into the sleigh. The lemmings strained and strained, slowly moving the sleigh downhill towards the cliff, then they were off. At the speed of light, or as close as eight tiny lemmings can get while pulling a fully laden sleigh through the air, Chaos circled the globe. Fred got his Venus Love Me Chain. Monica got her box of cigars. Coal disappeared from stockings for something much more usable. For Chaos's last stop, he arrived on Caitlyn's roof. With a bound, he slid down the chimney and out of the fireplace (which was impressive, considering Caitlyn lived in an apartment when she wasn't locked up for her own safety). He looked in her stocking - socks. Without a pause, he added gifts to the stocking. Not just fuzzy handcuffs in Star Gentle Uterus Chartreuse and Oak Evolution Green, but with matching bras and crotchless panties. A small noise stopped Chaos where he stood. Caitlyn walked out of her bedroom, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. [I thought Caitlyn was at Chaos's workshop.] [Don't interrupt the narrative flow.] "S-Santa? Is that you?" It was obvious that her meds were still affecting her. "'Tis I, His Lordship Chaos." "Who?" Chaos facefaulted. "Tell your doctors to cut back the dosage." "What should I call you?" "Don't even think of answering, Skuld-chan!" Chaos said into the air. He posed, his left arm out, his fingers spread into a 'V'. He cracked his whip in the air. "Call me Santa Chaos!" With a nod of his head, he laid his finger alongside his nose, and up the chimney he flew. "Merry Christmas to all," he cried over the land. "OHOHohohohoh!" Thus the legend of Santa Chaos was born. During the year, he returned to his other preoccupations. "You're not getting the Lake God this time!" "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! TASUKETEEEEEEEEE!!!!" In other words, back to a normal life for 364 days in the year (365 in leap years). "Um, I hate to rush you, but could you end this before the terrified octopi hit me?" The End. ~~~~~ "That's it?" "What do you mean, 'That's it?'" "I was expecting more panty stealing." "I was saving that for Easter and the Saga of the Chaos Bunny." "I'll pass, thanks. The real end.